The List That Changed My Life- Part 2

You might be wondering why exactly I so firmly believe that a simple, handwritten list changed my life. The truth is that this wasn't a quick fix. Sometimes I wish there had been, but you know, without the journey, I don’t think I’d truly know myself on the level I do today. Before I go any further, I want to clarify something. Whenever I reference the healed me, that doesn’t mean the healing process is over. I don’t think any one of us can be fully healed. The journey of healing is life long, but for ease of telling my story, you’ll hear me refer to my healing or that I’m healed. My healing was comprised of several different things, and what worked for me, might not work for you. But what I can tell you is that you deserve to live a healed, healthy, and whole life. While you can work towards that alone, my advice is to find a therapist to support and guide you. Now, I know this is easier said than done. Mental healthcare in this country is an epic disaster. If you’re lucky enough to be able to afford it, you’re even luckier to find a therapist with openings. Luckier still to have that therapist be a good fit. Before I go off on a rage induced footnote on this topic, I’ll get back to the story.

Like I said earlier, I want to live with no regrets, and without certain stops along my path, I don’t think that I’d be so far into my healing experience. Perhaps I’ll get into more specifics later, but for now, the important thing for you to know is what this blog is, what it’s not, and how it came to be. This is simply my story. It’s not always going to be pretty, but it’s mine. I am no longer ashamed of it. I spent the first part of my life feeling so alone, and deep in my soul, I know that part of the reason I’m on this planet is to help others not feel so alone. My story is my truth, my lived experience. Yours may be different, but this is mine. What this blog is not is a super detailed account of things. In telling my story, I want it to be specific enough that it’s uniquely mine, but vague enough that you can find yourself in parts of it. There are also going to be pieces missing. For example, my daughters are my world. My unconditional love for them knows no limits. They are of course a massive part of my story, but out of respect for their privacy, there will be very few details about them. I’m consenting to my story being out there, but their unique lived experience is their own. They aren’t choosing to have a mother who shares an intimate view of her life. They deserve to be the authors of their own stories.

Now, let me tell you about how this whole list thing came to be. I turned 35 shortly after my now ex-husband moved out of our home. Our marriage was basically DOA, so while I grieved for the relationship that I hoped would have been life-long, I knew deep down it wasn’t the right one. I spent the week leading up to my birthday doing a lot of self-reflection. 35 just seemed like such a milestone. Half-way though my thirties. I thought a lot about how much fear had held me back in life. Fear had guided so many choices I’d made. I made the decision that I could not live like that anymore. I was determined that year 35 was going to be the one where everything changed. In what seemed easier said than done at the time, I proclaimed to myself and the world that I was going to do 35 things that scared me or took me out of my comfort zone. And I love my comfort zone. My bubble of safety is where I’ve tried to remain forever. But that’s not living. How many experiences had I missed out on due to fear? I didn’t want to get to the end of my life with regrets.

These 35 things, done before my 36th birthday, are the accounting of all the fears I faced, the lessons I learned, and how they changed my life. Some of these things might seem rather small or insignificant to you, but they represent my fears. I encourage you to create your own list, face your fears courageously, and live your life with no regrets. In doing so, I hope you'll be able to say to yourself and the world, "I am enthusiastically me!"

Enthusiastically yours,

Marina