#4 An Indelible Mark... Or Two

I've always had a difficult time with big decisions, especially permanent ones. It can be challenging for me because my OCD leads me to overanalyze a lot of things and be so afraid of making the wrong choice that I end up freezing and choosing nothing. It's a bit of a character flaw of mine. It was a bit of a shock then when I decided that scary thing #4 would be a tattoo. Indecisiveness and tattoos generally don't mix. But then again, this whole list of 35 scary things was meant to bring me out of my comfort zone, so in this case, it mixed. 

I spent months pondering what to get permanently etched onto my body. While I was conflicted about what to get tattooed, I did know two things for sure. One, it had to have something to do with my daughters. Two, I wanted to go with my sister. I won't bore you with the details of everything that transpired that led us to the tattoo parlor we ended up at, but it was one of those "meant to be" scenarios. The guy who did my tattoos (yes, you read that right... I got more than one...more on that in a second) ended up having a really interesting story and we had a fascinating conversation about psychology and trauma while he was working. 

Let me start with explaining tattoo #2, because it was very spontaneous. The day of the appointment I called my sister and asked if she wanted to get a matching one to honor our dad. We got "filha do meu pai" which translated from Portuguese means "my father's daughter". I don't think ol' Carlos has quite gotten over the fact that both of his daughters have tattoos, but having one in his honor did soften the blow. 

There's a lot of meaning behind tattoo #1. The phrase at the top says, "my home is within me" which comes from one of my favorite authors, Najwa Zebian. In her book, Welcome Home, she speaks of the immense importance of not building our home in another person, but within ourselves. Her work, especially her poetry, is like a healing balm for my soul. Welcome Home was a map that led me out of the darkness of divorce and into the new life I was creating. If you take nothing else from this post, please check out her work. 

Next, I have 5 stars, which I asked 5 women in my life to draw by hand. It's a story for another time, but my sister and I do not have contact with our mother. The wounded mother-daughter relationship left a hole in my heart that has been filled with the motherly energy from strong women in my life. The first is my sister, the second and third are from women who are like mothers to me, and the final two are from friends. The moon symbolizes my father. I did try to get him to draw it, but his best creation looked like a banana. I had to go with the tattoo artist's drawing instead. Sorry, dad. 

In the center is a home, with a heart in it. It symbolizes the building of my home within myself. Next to it is a paw print that symbolizes my soul dog, Charlie. The connection I have with him is something I know I'll never quite find again in any other animal. I also then have the two most important little hearts, drawn by each of my daughters. They are my reason for pushing forward in life. The motivation behind the work I do in therapy. The greatest gift life could have given me. Those two little hearts mean everything to me. 

The final special component of my tattoo is the chamomile flowers. When I was a little girl, if I ever complained of an ailment- physical, emotional, etc. my dad's recommendation was always to pray. take my vitamins, and drink some chamomile tea. To this day, just the smell of chamomile instantly calms and relaxes me. It's as if I'm transported back to a simpler time in childhood, where a cup of chamomile really could solve the world's problems. 

So there you have it. A tattoo for the indecisive girl. Do I still love it? Mostly. I wish I could slightly change the shape of it now and it needs a few touch ups. But overall, everything about it still rings true in my life. It encapsulates some of the most important parts of my life. I'm even already planning my next tattoo. Did I mention I hate needles?