A Lesson in Patience

Evie: "Patience is a virtue!"

Rick: "Not right now, it isn't!"

Bonus points if you instantly knew that that quote came from one of the most epic cinematic masterpieces of our time... THE MUMMY. This is a hill I'll die on. I'm ridiculous about it, I know.

I'd like to say I'm more like Evie when it comes to patience, but... let's face it, I'm more like Rick sometimes. Ok, fine. A lot of the time. Especially right now. If you know me in real life you know that it only takes about 9.7 seconds into a conversation before I bring up jiu-jitsu. Basically, I went through a divorce, found jiu-jitsu and now that's the love of my life. My friends who nudge me to go back to dating know that if they bring it up too many times I'll just tell them I have a date that night with MAT. As in, the jiu-jitsu mat. That pun makes me laugh every time. I fly my nerd flag proudly. 

I've been part of an amazing jiu-jitsu community for almost two years. I'm sure everyone thinks their training center is the best, but mine actually IS the best. Jiu-jitsu is my happy place. When I walk through the door, all the junk I'm carrying flies out of my mind. When I'm rolling, there's literally nothing on my mind except what move to try next. It's like meditation, but with a lot more sweat. Again, if you know me in real life you know of my extreme aversion to germs. Somehow jiu-jitsu germs don't count. That's how much I love it. You know how runners talk about the "runner's high", well, I've always thought runners were insane for that. Until I realized that jiu-jitsu was giving me my own "runner's high". 

In January of this year, I was moving along, starting to plan out the next several months of working towards my belt test, but then one day I woke up with a funny pain in my back. One that got worse every day. Long story short (I know, if you know me you're thinking ya right), I've now had an MRI and 8 weeks of physical therapy and it's been rough to say the least. I'm really angry that I'm injured. It's prevented me from achieving a goal that is really important to me. The pain has been the worst I've experienced outside of childbirth. For the first week or two of physical therapy I was good. I was in so much pain that I listened to the physical therapist and didn't even attempt anything at class. But I'm stubborn. The next few weeks I tried doing small movements that I didn't think could possibly hurt the part of my back that radiated with pain any worse than it already did. But my progress stalled and pain worsened. I finally realized I had to listen to the physical therapist. I was continually told that the fastest way for me to return to doing what I loved doing was to take an actual break, not just a step back. So that's what I finally did.

I've learned two major lessons during this. The first is that jiu-jitsu is something that I want to do for the rest of my life. And if that's the case, it can't be all about the belt. I was far too hung up on earning the belt, as if that would be my sign to the world that I can actually do this. Jiu-jitsu has taught me so many life lessons (stories for another day), but the principle one is that internal validation has to be the driving force and to heck with what the outside world thinks. I know my greatest chance of returning is to pause, heal, and then slowly return. Right now, I'm pausing and healing. When I return, it has to be with the understanding that I will commit myself to much more strength-training, stretching, and resting. I'll earn my belt in the exact timing that I'm meant to. It's a race against myself and no one else.

The second lesson has been one of patience. My instructors always seem to be reminding me that when I slow down and pay closer attention to the nuances of a move, I do much better than when I try to speed through it. This has been an issue not unique to jiu-jitsu. I'm like this in life, too. One of the biggest examples of this is how I've sped through dating relationships into marriages. I've always been in a rush to have my life look "normal", which newsflash, no one's lives are "normal". Not everything is a race to the finish line. It's better to get to the line with both mental and physical health intact, than get to the end and be a total disaster. I had to learn that the hard way.

This season of life has been wrought with anger and depression. I mean, as I write this I'm literally trying to will myself out of the depressed and angry state that kept me from even showing up to class to watch the last week and a half. I've decided that tonight I am going to class. Showing up even though I'm angry I can't participate, is half the battle. The other half of the battle is accepting that patience is a virtue that I've still got to work on. It might not be fun, it might not be pretty, but I'll never achieve earning a belt until I learn the lessons it's meant to teach me.