Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself...

(Trigger warning: depression and suicide)

It's been almost two years since I launched this site. Fueled by a passion to rediscover myself after leaving an unhealthy marriage, my heart was bursting at the seams with ideas, curiosities, and lessons learned. My primary focus was to propel myself towards completing the book I had started, but then, as life often does, things got chaotic. And little by little, daily responsibilities got in the way of pursuing the things that brought me joy.

Over the course of about 18 months, the life I was building for myself began to crumble around me. In February of 2025 I injured my back at jiu-jitsu. Long story short, after several doctor's appointments, x-rays, pain meds, muscle relaxers, and a lot of tears (we're talking flood the Nile River level of tears), I had to take a step back from training the sport I'd come to depend on for my self-care. Around the time I started physical therapy, I started noticing that my mental health was not great. I went from spending 4-5 days a week at jiu-jitsu to attending once a week just to watch. Not pulling the self-validation and achievement from within myself, I was sinking pretty low.

Now add in that I was experiencing a lot of transitions in life. My oldest was getting ready to graduate high school and my youngest was about to graduate from 8th grade. Preparing to send them off to college and high school in the fall started to bring me an intense level of anxiety. I started to cry daily. Sometimes even hourly. I fought my way through the end of the school year graduation events, but I was a shell of a myself. I wanted so desperately to be happy, but in the end, it took everything I had within me to fake a smile and pretend that I wasn't secretly drowning.

The last days of June 2025 will forever be imprinted in my memory. It's the month I almost decided to leave this life. I dove headfirst into a deep pit of depression that convinced me my daughters would be better off without me. My sister would be fine without me. My dad wouldn't have to come to my rescue anymore. My friends didn't need the stress. I truly thought everyone would be better off without me. I don't know what possessed me to pick up the phone one day and ask for help, but I did it. I called a psychiatric hospital and told them how I was feeling. They strongly recommended that I be admitted. With tears in my eyes (you've probably noticed a trend by now) I called my dad. I told him I needed to be taken to the hospital. He dropped everything to get me there. He's a super-dad like that. I was terrified of what lied ahead, but I knew that I was dangerously close to losing my life and I had to decide that I was worth fighting for.

I spent five days in in-patient psychiatric care. I could write pages and pages about my experience, but for now, all that matters is that it put a wrench in my plans. I was hanging on by a thread, but I was hanging on nonetheless. Once I was released, I realized I was still not in a healthy place, so I spent a few days on my dad's farm. I tried my very best to reset my brain, to be decisive in my will to keep fighting, but I couldn't even get out of bed. I would spend hours just laying there, heart racing, wanting to give up.

But then, I turned to what every anxiety-ridden person tends to do- search the internet. I started googling and discovered something I'd never even known existed. Residential treatment. And lucky for me, there was a place nearby. I spent a total of 35 days in residential treatment for my mental health. I could devote entire posts to my experience there, and there will be a time for that, but for now, what's important is that it saved my life. Scratch that. My time there gave me the tools to SAVE MY OWN LIFE. Because damn it, I fought like hell to come back from the hole of despair I had fallen into. I couldn't have done it though without the support and understanding of my family and friends. Truly. My people showed up for me last summer in ways that I'll never fully be able to express enough gratitude for.

Fast forward a few months, and I eventually was able to successfully transition back to "real life". It's not easy, but things are so much better now. I have bad days every now and again and I'm still perfecting the right blend of therapy, medication, and self-care, but I overflow with gratitude at the thought of how I went from wanting to end my life to now appreciating every little moment of joy. More on that to come in the future. More on a lot of things to come in the future. I have so many stories and insights to share, things that I really hope will help others in similar situations. But for now, I'll leave you with a few lessons I learned this past summer.

1. The only way out is through. After you're done reading this (if you've stayed this long, thank you!) go read about the behavior of bison in storms. While most animals run from storms, bison charge through it so they can escape faster. They know that the only way out is through. You have to face the storm. That means you're going to be cold and wet and scared and maybe even lost. But you have to go through it to get out of it. You have to sit with the emotions and truly feel them. You have to experience everything in order to survive. And if you do this well enough, you may just find yourself thriving instead of just surviving.

   
   

2. Sometimes your greatest character flaws can become your greatest character assets. One of the things I've learned is that there are no coincidences in life. Opportunities show up in our lives at the right time, be it people, places, experiences, etc. I was given the unique opportunity to be a book in a "human library" where I got to share my experience with depression. Again, there's an entire post to write about that, but one of the people who "checked me out" shared this bit of wisdom with me. "Sometimes your greatest character flaws can become your greatest character assets". Does my mental health feel like a cruel ride on a rollercoaster sometimes? Yes. But does it bring me the perspective and empathy to connect with others on a deep level? Also yes. I have learned so much through my experiences with mental health and it's helped shape me into a better person.

3. You can wish you never had to experience what you did, but you can still be grateful you went through it. If you were to tell me you could snap your fingers and make it so that last summer never happened to me, I think I'd turn you down. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I am. While I was walking through hell, I met people, learned lessons, and changed in incredible ways. I wouldn't want to take that back. There was purpose in the pain. I can tell you with absolute certainty that I appreciate the little things in life on a level deeper than anything before now. When I shed tears while watching a beautiful sunset, it's because in the back of my mind, I am acutely aware of how close my eyes came to not seeing it. When I weep over the beauty of a musical piece played on the piano, it's because my ears are being graced by notes I almost rejected. When I belly laugh with my best friend, it's never not on my mind that I almost missed this chance. When faced with the bitter realities of this world, we get to choose how we react. How we face the unthinkable. How we meet the challenges of our lives. This is what it is to be human. So, you beautiful human reading this, will you do me a favor and watch this Anderson Cooper/Stephen Colbert interview? It speaks so eloquently to what I struggle to find the words to explain.

Oh, life. It is but a beautifully chaotic, tragic, glorious, maddening, force to be reckoned with. If you're still on this planet, you have a purpose unique to yourself. If you're ever faced with the choice to stay or not, I hope you'll choose to stay. Life is better with you in it. I promise the darkness will end eventually. The sun will come out again. I promise you this. If you have questions about residential treatment for mental health, please don't hesitate to reach out.

Enthusiastically,

Marina